Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Bad dreams

Last night I kept dreaming the same thing even after waking to feed Emily and going back to sleep several times. In the dream Emily was hospitalized but I hadn't seen her yet. It seems she had already been there about 36 hours They had me attending a series of hospital mandated meetings. Then I went looking for her and I couldn't find her. I kept asking various people for help locating her but kept getting the run around. I was told she was on the 3rd or 4th floor. I went the the 3rd floor she wasn't there, she's on the 4th floor. I take the stairs to the 4th floor and end up in the library wing and you can't get to the patient's rooms from there. Finally I go to the lobby and demand to be escorted to her room. At some point I talked to her nurse on the phone and she tells me that Emily is doing great eating her beans. I also realize during this conversation that they have been giving her formula. I think about this as I'm searching for her. By the time I get to her room I am livid. I ask why I wasn't consulted about her diet and why I was kept form her and I hand over some frozen breaskmilk. I tell them I had been waiting to start solid foods until she is six months adjusted age. I ranted and raved. Then I woke up. I didn't feel rested at all. I prayed about the dream and cuddled with Emily until it was time to get up.

I realized that I'm still angry at the doctors at Good Sam insisting on giving Emily formula and putting off letting her breastfeed as long as they did. I believe they were wrong and I don't think my breastmilk was the cause of her infection or was ever a danger to her. I'm mad at the doctors for trying to convince me again and again that this was true. Emily's pediatrician and the lactation consultants I've worked with all say my milk was not contaminated and never posed a problem. Dr. Fleiss said he wished I had called him and could've talked to the NICU doctors. I wish I had thought to do so. Anyway, I'm working on forgiving them and putting it behind me.


Anonymous said...

BRAVA my good conscious Momma Bear Friend! Anger is not always a bad thing. Teach Claire how to holler as deeply and as highly and as loudly and you BOTH can in an appropriate place and you will feel it leave your body (trust me on this kookiness). SOmetimes anger motivates us to stand up for ourselves and for what is good and right, and that is a good thing. It's only when we don't release it or when people use it for the adrenaline rush that it's nasty. YAAAY for being assertive and forthright...even in your DREAMS. You are my hero. Chat soon.
xoxoxo L

Anonymous said...

I'm so thankful you asserted your strong motherly instincts in breast feeding Em when she was in the hospital. If all the resistance you met was a test, you passed with flying colors! Your experiences can inspire others that struggle with similar situations. I'm not sure how to interpret the dreams, but I know dreams come back as a reminder of what we've been through. Love and Prayers, Mom